Confession time

Well, it’s confession time. Readers of this blog may have gotten the impression—because I may have given it to them—that my life here has been all about neat new experiences and philosophical reflection.

In reality, I think a typical twenty-four-hour day at this point is about fifteen minutes of philosophical reflection, seven hours’ sleep (interrupted by the neighbors’ barking dogs), two hours of enjoyable conversation with new friends and roommates—and fifteen hours and forty-five minutes of continual minor frustrations. I don’t understand what someone said (once again) and have to ask her to repeat herself (again). I try to say something I know very well how to say, but my tongue trips over the words—again. I realize I don’t understand something about how the libraries program works, and have to ask another dumb question. On my way home, some guy on the street thinks it would be original to shout out his two words of English (“hello” and “baby”) as I walk by. Again. I arrive hot and tired, and react with impatience or defensiveness to some innocuous question or kindly meant suggestion from one of my roommates. Again!

Of course, I’m exaggerating a little. But that’s the point: somehow, those trifling inconveniences and humiliations become the buzzing flies on a gorgeous summer evening: they seem insignificant when you look at the matter objectively, but loom large when you focus your attention on them.

The worst of it is, it’s such an ignoble struggle. I’d much rather be flexing my spiritual muscles against, say, Poverty, or Injustice, or Corruption. But apparently God thinks I have smaller fish to fry: the pettiness, unreasonableness, and inconstancy of my own character.

I’ve been starting every morning, since the new year, with a chapter from Nearer to the Heart of God, a collection of reflections by Christian mystics that my church household gave me before I left the U.S. The readings so far have been almost disconcertingly on target. Here’s part of today’s:

“Patience is a cheerful acceptance of frustration. A patient person does not complain about problems. Ordinary people always grumble about difficulties. They are looking for comfort in the wrong place if they try to find it in this world…

“It is not possible for you to demonstrate whether you are strong or weak, unless you are troubled when you are at peace. Many may seem to be patient when they are not being tested. But the slightest correction will provoke bitter wrath. Any resistance to their ideas and desires will enrage them…

“When you are tempted or troubled, remember what our Savior said: ‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.’ He did not say, ‘Pray so that you will not be tempted.’ It is good for us to be tempted. God will be with us in such times. He will deliver and sustain us.” (John Wycliffe, The Poor Caitiff, as paraphrased by Bernard Bangley)