What answers?

I was trying to think what to write, when I was suddenly startled by the title of my last blog entry: “The answers.” It made sense for the context it was written in, but reading it all by itself, all big and bold-font, it struck me as a rash statement, seeming to express a certainty I don’t often feel. “The answers”: as if, in this life, it were so easy to know them, or to be sure they’re not going to change the moment you least expect it!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of my life; specifically, about what this time in Bolivia has meant for me. I’ve also been thinking about my future—about where I go from here—geographically, academically, spiritually, emotionally, and in terms of my career and personal life. (I told you I was doing a lot of thinking!) At times I’ve been so overwhelmed by these existential questions (which do turn out to be pretty practical when it comes to decision-making time) that I’ve felt completely paralyzed.

See, I came to Bolivia thinking I had most of the important stuff (at least for me, at that moment in my life) pretty well figured out. My expectations for these three years of my life were that they’d pretty much resemble the two years I’d spent in Costa Rica and the semester in Spain, just in a different setting, with different people. It would be a time for new experiences, camera-worthy sights, and spiritual growth—new challenges, of course, but nothing too far over my head.

I was way off.

As I look back on my time in Bolivia, the image often comes into my head of stepping off the plane and falling flat on my face onto the tarmac. This didn’t actually happen (in a literal sense), but it’s what it has often felt like to be here. I’ve struggled with the climate, the culture, the geography (involving long bus rides over bumpy or flooded roads), the food, the language (and yes, I did already speak Spanish!). I’ve struggled with the people in my life here, even—especially—those I care about the most. I’ve struggled with God, and most of all I’ve struggled with myself. It’s not easy being forced to face up to fears and weaknesses you never knew you had, or thought you’d already conquered. It’s not easy thinking you know so many of the answers, then finding out you have so much—so much—to learn.

I guess the more you learn, the more you realize you have left to learn. But I do have a few answers I know are firm and true, now and for whatever the future brings:

“‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us… we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” (Romans 8:18, 23)

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.” (Romans 8:28-30)

I still have questions, but it helps to remember that the most important ones have already been answered. I guess I can live with that.